What a beautiful day today!! There is nothing like fresh air to help clear the senses!! Just an update, we are still running at full tilt! wehave been having alot of meetings and evaluations for my dear son. In all the frustrations that have plagued us the last few months, God has shown Himself faithful! We are so blessed. It looks like we may qualify to get help with some of the medical debt. If all works well, we will be able to be debt free in about 2 years, well medical debt free. My Superhero DH has been contacted by several of his formal youth to do a bible study at our house and we are praying about it. We just want to be a light to others. Some exciting news, we have been praying about adoption. Superhero and I have been praying about adopting through the foster care system. We recently found out that there are babies who are abdandoned in at the NICU. Something leapt deep in my heart and in Superhero's. We spent 50 days in the NICU and came home with monitors and oxygen and all kinds of medical toys. Sweet Son had surgery at 3 months old at Children's Mercy in Kansas City. We have been there and done that so to say. The thought that anyone could just walk away from their child is not understandable to me... to give a child up for adoption, is a noble and courageous thing, but to just walk away... it is so hard for me..who struggled and fought almost to the point of death to bring my precious son into this world.. to understand that mentality. There is so much we have to get done before we could adopt. we desperately need a house that Sweet Son and I can breathe in, and we need to have a financial miracle to be able to get things where we need to be to go forward. Please Please Please pray for us that we will not move too fast.. Our hearts are just so moved by this thought of helping a NICU baby or any baby for that matter, to have a home for them to be safe in either until we can adopt them or their parents can get the help they need to make their home safe for their child. We just want to do what God wants!!!

Anger

You will have to pardon me for a moment, no one really reads my blog very often so it is my place to vent and fume. For those who do read it .. you know that already...(big smile)

I have been down alot the last few weeks. I am tired and cannot seem to get it together. I posted on one of my website .. workplacelikehome.com it is an awesome forum of work at home moms and dads who are very supportive! Anyway, they encouraged me to take some "me" time and cut myself some slack. So last night I went for a drive with the windows down and toby mac boomin' on the stereo. I even got ice cream.. It was nice. and I realized I need to allow myself to deal with some emotions that I have surpressed. I am mad.. angry and livid and need to get it out in a safe enviroment....

I am sick and tired of the fuzzy end of the lollipop. I am tired of living in a house that does not meet our needs ( but grateful to not be in foreclosure!) I am angry it took 5 years and countless medications and 2 failed IVFs and surgery followed up by being told I was miscarrying and then 21 weeks of bedrest and almost dying before I had a baby. I am angry that he had to be in the NICU for 50 freaking days. It isn't right that when I left the hospital I still did not bring a baby home for almost 2 months. It makes me mad that he has to be bothered with 4 therapy visits a week instead of getting to be a "normal" kid. I am tired of being broke because the hospital screwed up the paperwork and we got no assistance. It makes me made they do not have to be responsible.

At our church,we got screwed again. Someone who didn't like us felt we did not give enough money to volunteer or be leaders, so rather than cause a problem we stepped down. AND it mad me mad . We were doing things he and his wife wouldn't do and he sits in his expensive home and complains that he is broke, while we sit in our little home and pray we have enough money for groceries and Sweet Son's medications. I went without glasses and my medications for over a year. We still felt giving was important and gave even when we did not have to give. We gave a little over 5% instead of 10%, but we gave of ourselves all the time. He didn't even ask how much my husband makes, just went on a witch hunt. No one has ever asked us what we believe... we actually do believe in tithing, but felt like God told us.. chill out.. pay our bills and feed our kid. We have sold everything not nailed down, we have one car so I am trapped at home when DH goes to work. The persons daughter drives her own car and cripes about it. I would take her car!! We had to go to the person's house the day after we found out he felt we were "unworthy" because of our checkbook balance. His wife wanted to make sure that we knew her soapstone sink wasn't THE most expensive one. As I sit and look at her completely decorated home with all the latest things. we have done the right thing, we have not said a word to anyone.. we have kept our mouths shut. and I think there in lies the rub of what I am angry about..
We have ALWAYS tried to do the right thing. And almost no one else ever does. I know GOD will honor us, he always has taken care of us. After we did the right thing and stepped down quietly, we have been very blessed. God is just pouring His love out on us left and right. Things are lining up. But the anger I have is real and I need to deal with it. Denial is not what God wants from me but honesty. He knows me and knows I am hurt and mad. HE is Ok with that.. he just does not want me to stay here.
All this bailout crap is from people NOT taking responsibility, people not doing the right thing, and they are getting bailed out. DH and I did not buy a house with the full amount they offered, they offered us $147,000 mortgage. We said NO.. we knew if anything happened we would not be able to afford it. And so we bought a much older home than we could have, figured we would stay here about 8 years, take the equity and buy the next level up, but now.. we can't.. medical bills and the housing market have slowed that down.

We have done the right thing and here we sit..BUT now that I have vented and gotten it all out there.. I do feel better.. I know that GOD will take care of us, just like He always does.. and I can be honest and say, I love the Lord, but I am not always real fond of His people..I think sometimes He feels the same way.....

IF you have read this far.. thanks for letting me vent.. I needed to get that out!!!!!! I already feel like a weight has lifted.....

Ok.. here is a very long story made short. The Day care was lying to us and Luke was not adjusting. We noticed he started to act out at home and would panic everytime we tried to drop him off. Then it carried over that he would panic if he went to Granny's, he would panic if he was in his little bed and not in ours. The short of it is if he was not in the same room as both his parents then he would absolutely come apart. The final straw was when he started saying, "don't cry baby" to himself and would also say, " I cry , I bad" and " I cry daddy not come for me" and then quit talking all together. Now mind you, they were sending home reports that he was having a great day, everyday. I decided something was rotten in Denmark and went in about 1 pm to check on him. I could hear him crying when I walked in the door and his class was at the end of the building. I walked in and the teacher immediately said, this is seperation anxiety he will be fine. Well I have a degree in early childhood development and I knew that was CRAP it had been 6 weeks. SO, I stay for 3 hours with him on my lap and he never stopped crying or repeating over and over , " I fine I fine I fine" I knew if it was seperation anxiety then he would have calmed down since I was there. He never did. We left and never went back, paid for the 2 weeks notice of course, but I did not care. We called an emergency meeting of his therapists and both of them were glad I had pulled him. He was in sensory overload. The speech therapist had said she was in the process of calling me when I pulled him because she noticed hewas signing to the teachers and asking for stuff and they would just ignore him or tell him to stop crying. They had told me they knew sign language and I even gave them a book on signing with children, so needless to say I was livid! She confronted the teacher, and asked if they did not realize he was trying to communicate with them. They said no, but it is hard with a class of 17 to notice one 2 year old trying to sign. Pardon my french for 2 minutes but would it be hard to notice my foot so far up your arse that the water on my knee would quench your thirst? Well, Luke had stopped talking intelligibly and they did another speech evaluation and he had gone Backwards!!! I was so mad... so Luke is home where he belongs with ME... the hospital and credit cards filled with Medical Debt can kiss my chubby bottom!!

I work from home as a virtual assistant with a great family friendly company and Luke plays in the office with me while I work. It isn't a full time job, but we will make due. We desperately need a new home...but of course since we did not overextend ourselves on our mortgage, there is no bailout for us. But I am a happy mom!! With a beautiful baby boy I adore!! That is all I need. Hopefully now that most of the drama of December and January have passed I can blog a little more often.

Life as a happy mom is awesome!!

Things have changed

I will blog it out later , but Luke did not do well in daycare. He is home with me..