Anger

You will have to pardon me for a moment, no one really reads my blog very often so it is my place to vent and fume. For those who do read it .. you know that already...(big smile)

I have been down alot the last few weeks. I am tired and cannot seem to get it together. I posted on one of my website .. workplacelikehome.com it is an awesome forum of work at home moms and dads who are very supportive! Anyway, they encouraged me to take some "me" time and cut myself some slack. So last night I went for a drive with the windows down and toby mac boomin' on the stereo. I even got ice cream.. It was nice. and I realized I need to allow myself to deal with some emotions that I have surpressed. I am mad.. angry and livid and need to get it out in a safe enviroment....

I am sick and tired of the fuzzy end of the lollipop. I am tired of living in a house that does not meet our needs ( but grateful to not be in foreclosure!) I am angry it took 5 years and countless medications and 2 failed IVFs and surgery followed up by being told I was miscarrying and then 21 weeks of bedrest and almost dying before I had a baby. I am angry that he had to be in the NICU for 50 freaking days. It isn't right that when I left the hospital I still did not bring a baby home for almost 2 months. It makes me mad that he has to be bothered with 4 therapy visits a week instead of getting to be a "normal" kid. I am tired of being broke because the hospital screwed up the paperwork and we got no assistance. It makes me made they do not have to be responsible.

At our church,we got screwed again. Someone who didn't like us felt we did not give enough money to volunteer or be leaders, so rather than cause a problem we stepped down. AND it mad me mad . We were doing things he and his wife wouldn't do and he sits in his expensive home and complains that he is broke, while we sit in our little home and pray we have enough money for groceries and Sweet Son's medications. I went without glasses and my medications for over a year. We still felt giving was important and gave even when we did not have to give. We gave a little over 5% instead of 10%, but we gave of ourselves all the time. He didn't even ask how much my husband makes, just went on a witch hunt. No one has ever asked us what we believe... we actually do believe in tithing, but felt like God told us.. chill out.. pay our bills and feed our kid. We have sold everything not nailed down, we have one car so I am trapped at home when DH goes to work. The persons daughter drives her own car and cripes about it. I would take her car!! We had to go to the person's house the day after we found out he felt we were "unworthy" because of our checkbook balance. His wife wanted to make sure that we knew her soapstone sink wasn't THE most expensive one. As I sit and look at her completely decorated home with all the latest things. we have done the right thing, we have not said a word to anyone.. we have kept our mouths shut. and I think there in lies the rub of what I am angry about..
We have ALWAYS tried to do the right thing. And almost no one else ever does. I know GOD will honor us, he always has taken care of us. After we did the right thing and stepped down quietly, we have been very blessed. God is just pouring His love out on us left and right. Things are lining up. But the anger I have is real and I need to deal with it. Denial is not what God wants from me but honesty. He knows me and knows I am hurt and mad. HE is Ok with that.. he just does not want me to stay here.
All this bailout crap is from people NOT taking responsibility, people not doing the right thing, and they are getting bailed out. DH and I did not buy a house with the full amount they offered, they offered us $147,000 mortgage. We said NO.. we knew if anything happened we would not be able to afford it. And so we bought a much older home than we could have, figured we would stay here about 8 years, take the equity and buy the next level up, but now.. we can't.. medical bills and the housing market have slowed that down.

We have done the right thing and here we sit..BUT now that I have vented and gotten it all out there.. I do feel better.. I know that GOD will take care of us, just like He always does.. and I can be honest and say, I love the Lord, but I am not always real fond of His people..I think sometimes He feels the same way.....

IF you have read this far.. thanks for letting me vent.. I needed to get that out!!!!!! I already feel like a weight has lifted.....